Some days I really feel sad at my weak self control as I fall again and again from whatever baby steps I take in my sadhna Bhakti. Outside I may take bath twice a day but inside I am full of worst what material nature has to offer. And I do feel very sad after failing to control my mind. But what good is that atonement.
in SB 6.1.9 Pariksit Maharaja says: One may know that sinful activity is injurious for him because he actually sees that a criminal is punished by the government and rebuked by people in general and because he hears from scriptures and learned scholars that one is thrown into hellish conditions in the next life for committing sinful acts. Nevertheless, in spite of such knowledge, one is forced to commit sins again and again, even after performing acts of atonement. Therefore, what is the value of such atonement?
He further adds in 6.1.10: Sometimes one who is very alert so as not to commit sinful acts is victimized by sinful life again. I therefore consider this process of repeated sinning and atoning to be useless. It is like the bathing of an elephant, for an elephant cleanses itself by taking a full bath, but then throws dust over its head and body as soon as it returns to the land.
So this is it, my feeling guilty after committing a mistake, is like an elephant’s bath. And I am so unfortunate that even after getting association of devotees I still can not control it and I continue to fall again and then again. Somedays I just feel helpless in front my mind, inspite of knowing what is good and what is not at all good for my sadhna bhakti.
I can only humbly pray to my spiritual master and to Srila Prabhupada to please give me strength so that I can control my mind; with my own strength and practice I can not reach anywhere in my spiritual journey, this is confirmed.
And I may be the best candidate for their mercy as they won’t get a more fallen person than me.
- Posted by Giriraj Das on August 20,2013 at 8:12pm