28th April, 2014, Gurgaon.
For most of us, as we come into Krishna consciousness, the journey begins and we progress, at our own pace. A few days back HG Shyam Sundar Prabhu shared a quote by HH Radhanath. Maharaj said that we can see our progress in Krishna consciousness not by seeing last few years or months but by just seeing whether I have progressed in last 1 hour or half an hour, we can know how much we are progressing in Krishna consciousness.
Today morning when I looked back the last one hour I saw that I am indeed progressing but in the reverse direction. Most of the time I get impressed from the praise by merciful devotees or general feeling I get by looking at `karmis’ that I am very fortunate for having somehow taken the shelter of lotus feet of Lord Krishna and His devotees in the form of Srila Prabhupada and associating with devotees under ISKCON.
But as I looked back the last one hour today I realised that how my whole inner being is full of anarthas and all, if any, progress is just external, a show window, hiding a black and stone hard heart. A heart which is further quoted with thick viscous layers of envy, pride and complete attachment to material world.
The only difference is that today this diseased heart is crying. I wish to cry aloud to the Lord to save me. A helpless call to my real father, my Guru and Krishna to save me as I find myself completely ill-equipped to overcome this external energy called `maya’. I am not able to control my mind, leave aside my mind, I can’t even control my tongue as to not to do prajalapa, not to criticise others, be gentle in interaction with non devotees but my acid covered, and sharp like a blade, tongue refuses to come under my control. I feel completely helpless.
I feel like running out in the open and cry to Krishna and cry and cry. The noose of `maya’ seems be wrapped tight around me neck that I feel like a puppet in her hands, sometimes she lets me loose like a toy and the moment I think I am free she pulls the noose and I realise my precarious position. Now, only Lord, or His devotees, can take pity on me and cut this noose else I am destined to remain a fake, someone who externally looks like a devotee but is completely hollow from inside.
I searched for a prayer and found this beautiful prayer from Sri Bhaktivinoda Thakura which reflected my pain, Gopinath Amar Upaya, surprisingly the picture I got for crying out to Lord on top also has Shri Gopinath’s in it !
gopīnāth, āmāra upāya nāi
tumi kṛpā kori’, āmāre loile,
saṁsāre uddhāra pāi
gopīnāth, porechi māyāra phere
dhana, dāra, suta, ghireche āmāre,
kāmete rekheche jeere
gopīnāth, mana je pāgala mora
nā māne śāsana, sadā acetana,
viṣaye ro ‘yeche ghora
gopināth, hāra je menechi āmi
aneka jatana, hoilo bifala,
ekhano bharasā tumi
gopīnāth, kemone hoibe gati
prabala indriya, bośī-bhūta mana,
nā chāre viṣaya-rati
gopīnāth, hṛdoye bosiyā mora
manake śamiyā, laho nija pāne,
ghucibe vipada ghora
gopīnāth, anātha dekhiyā more
tumi hṛṣīkeśa, hṛṣīka damiyā,
tāro ‘he saṁsṛti-ghore
gopīnāth, galāya legeche phāsa
kṛpā-asi dhori’, bandhana chediyā,
vinode koroho dāsa
O Gopinatha, I have no means of success, but if You take me, having bestowed your mercy upon me, then I will obtain deliverance from this world.
O Gopinatha, I have fallen into the perils of material illusion. Wealth, wife, and sons have surrounded me, and lust has wasted me away.
O Gopinatha, my mind is crazy and does not care for any authority. It is always senseless and has remained in the dark pit of worldly affairs.
O Gopinatha, I have accepted my defeat. All of my various endeavors were useless. Now You are the only hope.
O Gopinatha, how shall I make any advancement when my mind has come under the control of the powerful senses and does not abandon its attachment to materialism?
O Gopinatha, after sitting down in the core of my heart and subduing my mind, please wake me to You. In this way the horrible dangers of this world will disappear.
O Gopinatha, You are Hrsikesa, the Lord of the senses. Seeing me so helpless, please control these senses of mine and deliver me from this dark and perilous worldly existence.
O Gopinatha, the noose of materialism has become fixed around my neck. Taking up the sword of Your mercy and cutting this bondage, make this Bhaktivinoda Your humble servant.
I felt so helpless. I did not how to get out of this glum mood and pull myself to do something about it. Then, like a magic, I found this most beautiful quote by HH Mahanidhi Maharaj
If you are living in someone’s house and crying, they are bound to ask you what is wrong. So Vrndavana is Radharani’s land and if you cry sincerely, She is sure to reciprocate sooner or later.
I found my way. Go to Vrindavan and cry at the samadhi of Srila Prabhupada and then cry and beg for the mercy from Mahaprabhu and from Srimati Radharani. Yes, I will go to Dhama this week itself and cry and cry my heart out. And at the bodily level I will take some immediate service at the local centre whatever I may get, I will beg them for it. I hope and pray that some merciful vaishanava will take pity on this shudra and give me some service.
Finally, I have to learn to depend on Krishna’s strength and not my own.
All glories to the glorious Gaudia Vaishanava Pramapara.
All glories to Sri Guru and Gauranga.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada.